Before you get all, “Oh no, another airy fairy pep talk” there is no need to fear. I think that most people are capable of creating the life of their dreams if they would stop listening to those who say, “this is the only way to do X.” I grew up in an authoritarian/patriarchal religion. It was often called “The Truth” because if we followed what the elders said we’d end up happy. And if we didn’t end up “happy” it was our own fault for not listening.
I escaped that group and became skeptical about this “Truth” that people like to club over other people’s head. In my short time on the planet (hey, to a tortoises I’m still a baby!) I’ve noticed that the only people happy when you “follow the truth” is the people who are telling you what to do. They’re tickled pink while you suffer from self-doubt, low self-esteem, depression and everything else. Phooey!
It Starts in Childhood
When our kids are young we spend a lot of time teaching them what is right and wrong. This is fitting because we need to understand how to navigate human dynamics in order to succeed in life’s journey. What I think we do wrong, however, is telling our children that there is a magical path to a successful life. Everyone’s life path is different, so how can we tell them that one size fits all. It doesn’t! It’s a lie that causes so much angst and confusion for everyone.
When we send children to school we tell them that the most important thing is that they get good grades. If they get good grades the world will be their oyster. Before people start yelling, I’m all for good grades and scholastic achievement. What I’m not for is setting up a list of false promises and expectations. Getting good grades indicates that you have a way to assimilate new information into your life and apply it in to a test. It isn’t a golden ticket to success because success comes in many styles. And unlike mathematical equations where 2+2 always equals 4, life isn’t that clear cut.
Life’s Journey is a Very Crooked Road
The way life is portrayed to children is:
If you perform A then you’ll end up at B.
The way it really works is that if you perform A and a stiff wind blows you may end up at M and will need to do some fancy maneuvering to get back to B. And along the way you may decide that J is looking much better than B, so let’s ditch B. And guess what? Ditching B isn’t the worst choice in the world. It’s just different from the what you expected. Here’s an example that illustrates my point.
When I was in a 3-year relationship with someone in high school. He broke up with me at the end of our junior year. I was heartbroken and wrecked (ah the drama of the teenage years). September rolled around and we were back to school. I couldn’t bear to be there knowing that we weren’t a couple any longer. So, I went to my guidance counselor and asked if there were any work/study programs that I could attend. She found one for me and I signed the paperwork and booked it! I was sent to Mt. Sinai’s Hospital for a work rotation for four months. During my time there I learned medical transcription and studied medical technology.
Fast forward — when I decided to work from home (by hook or by crook) the first type of work that I took in was (drum roll please) . . . transcription work! Yes, I helped to feed my family by using a skill I learned almost 20 years earlier amidst tears and angst. Then I expanded my services to include my secretarial training, ability to learn programs quickly and finally started a steady business.
Now, when I fled my high school in tears could I foresee what was going to happen? No, but every tear, every bump and bruise has help prepare me for other challenges in life.
So What’s Your Point?
The point is that shaming young people for changing directions or careers as they search for their niche really needs to stop. Just because we as parents (clergy, know-it-alls) think we know what’s best for their lives, doesn’t make it so. I’m the first to admit that even now with decades of adult knowledge I sometimes don’t have a clue what’s going to happen next. And if we’re honest, no one really does. Those that succeed are the people who learn to envision their goals and navigate despite tripping over their own feet half the time. Some people trip faster than others, but we all get to the finish line.
Let me make it clear that I am not talking about coddling grown people. Even now, my teenagers have household bills to pay and are in charge of their personal purchases. No one gets a free ride in life including them. I have family members that are smart as all get out, but they choose to take “lesser” jobs because they like not being stressed out. They pay their bills, they pursue their interests and they’re happy. What’s wrong with that? Absolutely nothing.
Instead of harping on the way young people handle their journey, how about finding out what they want to pursue and not what we think they should do? Why not ask them what they would consider to be a success for their lives instead of telling them what it should look like? Stepping into adulthood is always a challenge, but maybe we can make our kid’s transition a bit better by giving more emotional support and less judgemental proclamations.
It’s just a thought.
